Published October 10, 2019

By now you know that I love anniversaries, right? Well, today marks two years to the day since my first workday publicly out as Carly, and I wanted to reflect on it for several reasons. (Oh, and I don’t work at Torrid, I shop there! More on that soon!)

In spring 2017, I worked a couple of Sunday shifts, with only a handful of people in the newsroom, dressed in my Carly clothes. I laugh now thinking about how afraid I was, because there wasn’t anything notably girly about what I was wearing, but the outfits were decidedly different than anything I had ever worn to work. With Torrid jeggings on and no longer having the luxury of pants pockets (men, you don’t know how good you have it!), I also had a clutch with me for my keys, phone and wallet items. That would have been … different, for anyone paying attention.

The experience allowed me to dip my toe into the waters of being in our office as Carly. I had been going shopping and running errands on days off in my Carly clothes, but no one from work had seen me. This would be different.

Because I have always been warm-natured, sweating easily, I didn’t want to add to the potential awkwardness of dressing as a woman, including in layers, by starting this major life change in the summer. So I had my trial run in winter and spring, with the goal of coming out at the start of my birthday-month vacation, in the fall. October is my favorite month by far.

I told family and close friends in September 2017, then told the world in a blog post on October 1, 2017. That was the beginning of a nine-day stretch away from the office, which I’d planned as a way for people to get used to the idea that I would be dressing differently at work. I returned on a Tuesday, October 10, 2017.

My outfit had been planned well in advance. I chose a black Lane Bryant notch-neck soft shirt with Torrid light wash blue jean curvy jeggings. For footwear, I decided on black Torrid round-toe ballet flats (wide width!). Lane Bryant called the necklace a Long Necklace with Caged CZ & Fringe (silver tone). That clutch I mentioned earlier? I bought it from Nordstrom, a Chelsea28 faux leather clutch with crossbody chain that can tuck inside or even be removed. I chose the latter. (As you can see in the photo where I am holding it, I wasn’t getting manicures yet — though I had been getting pedicures for almost a year!)

Everything in the photo collage above was bought online, as was 95 percent of my wardrobe at that point. Mostly shopping with Lane Bryant and Torrid, I was building my Carly closet almost exclusively online. That would soon change. I called the local Torrid store and spoke with a wonderful woman who encouraged me to come to the store. She told me that a lot of drag performers and transgender women shopped there, and that they were always treated with respect. “We’re totally into it here,” she said. “You’ll be safe.”

The photo at the top of this blog post is from my first visit there. It wasn’t my first time shopping for myself in a women’s clothing store, though. I had been to a Lane Bryant in Portland, and was greeted warmly by the staff. They asked my name, and I told them, adding that “I sometimes go by Carly.” The woman’s eyes lit up. “Oh, go by Carly,” she said. “It’s adorable.” Months later, I bumped into her at Torrid, where she used to work and still sometimes shops. “Hey, hot stuff,” she said. And she wasn’t even on the clock or trying to get me to buy anything!

The reactions from women and nonbinary people on my days off, shopping at Lane Bryant — as well as at Walgreens, Michaels, Safeway and other public places — were super positive, and gave me the confidence that I might be able to live this way all the time. But what would it be like at work, alongside people who had known me before?

The final item I chose to wear that day was also from Torrid, a wavy rhinestone bangle set. I wasn’t prepared for how much it would clang as I typed during my eight-hour shift as a copyeditor, so lesson learned there! But, I’m getting ahead of myself. I want to revisit what it was like walking into the building for the first time as someone who wanted to be called Carly, not the name I had been going by, and referred to by female pronouns.

I had told most of the people in my department, the copy desk, about my transition before I left for vacation. The ones I hadn’t caught up with heard it from my boss while I was away. People in other departments heard it from their bosses. (I am believed to be the first openly transgender person in the paper’s history, so this was new territory for everybody.) The stage was set. All I had to do was show up, right??

We have a trailer adjacent to the building I work in, and the trailer is our lunchroom. Before heading to the newsroom, I went there to put some items in a refrigerator. Before opening the door, it hit me: I had no idea who I’d see on the other side of the door.. It might be someone from another department who didn’t know me. It might be five people just like that! It might even be someone who didn’t get the memo, so to speak. I took a deep breath and walked in.

Hidden by a bookshelf in the middle of the room, so unbeknownst to me at the time, my best friend in the newsroom, Dave, was sitting at a table, eating his lunch. I wouldn’t realize that until later. I headed toward the fridge and started putting my stuff in it, and upon seeing Dave, I had a brief hello with him from a few feet away. Before that could turn into a full-fledged conversation, one of the reporters, Jake, walked in and went to the microwave or kitchen sink to my left.

“Hey, Carly,” Jake said, not breaking stride, not missing a beat, sounding as normal and casual as always. It was as if this were just another Tuesday. And it felt great. He called me by my name! My anxiety level plummeted, and I was relieved.

Jake left, and as I began to follow on my way to the newsroom, I stopped to talk more with Dave, and we chatted briefly. I think I even told him not to take pockets for granted, or something like that! I was so relieved to get to see such a good friend before heading into the newsroom. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to ease into a scary entrance.

During the past week, I told both of them how much those interactions meant to me. For his part, Dave said that witnessing the way Jake greeted me even helped allay Dave’s concerns about what it would be like to address me from this point forward.

“So that’s how it’s done,” Dave remembered thinking to himself, and he too was at ease.

(Thanks, gentlemen, for those moments, and for making them memories I’ll forever cherish!)

And then, I walked in and went to my workstation.

Such a fantastic feeling.

As I’ve said here and elsewhere, I consider myself lucky to work at a place where I’ve mostly felt safe on the job and supported by so many. That is not the case for a lot of transgender women. Also, I was delighted when I realized that my first day at work as out-and-free Carly came on the paper’s anniversary. What a confluence of milestones!

And now we have an anniversary together.

Happy anniversaries, team!