Published March 21, 2025
Something an editor friend said yesterday resonated with me. I’m going to start there and back my way into today’s post.
“By age 12, children with ADHD have received 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than their peers without ADHD,” she said. “Now imagine what not getting diagnosed until age 30, 40, or 50 does to someone’s self esteem.”
It was as if someone said to me, “I know what your life has been like, at least as much as a cisgender person can, and I want you to know it’s not your fault.”
I was already done for the day. The above brought tears.
My therapist and I have talked about all the ways I slipped through the cracks. My corneal abnormality. ADHD. Being on the spectrum (AuDHD). Anxiety and major depression. And, of course, gender dysphoria. It’s a lot, and there’s more.
There’s a type of neurotypical person that has made me feel like shit my whole life. I’m done with all of them, the way I am with a lot of cisgender people.
I’m grateful for those who could spot my self-esteem deficit a mile away and didn’t rub my nose in it. It’s their gentleness I remember. “I wish you believed in yourself more” is just one way they expressed their concern and hope for me.
Digging deeper
It bears repeating.
By age 12, children with ADHD have received 20,000 more negative messages about themselves than their peers without ADHD. Now imagine what not getting diagnosed until age 30, 40, or 50 does to someone’s self esteem.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 36. And I didn’t pursue treatment. Why? Because I grew up in a time when this counted for sage advice: Rub some dirt on it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. It was like being trapped in a room with the kinds of motivational posters I’ve seen for more than a decade on LinkedIn and on the social media of toxic “influencers” and “thought leaders.”
I’ve begun addressing it more aggressively since coming out as trans in 2017. What an accelerated growth process that is, let me tell you. Like an immersion course in self-awareness. Mostly, though, I knew these things. No one had given me permission before to believe they were real and not “excuses.”
Let’s get on with it
The rest of the comments below will be from Aaron Brinen, an assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Vanderbilt University Medical Center. He’s quoted in this story, which many people will only glance at, missing the point.
Eric Michael Garcia gets it, though.
We see a spike in older women getting prescribed with ADHD for the same reason we see the racial gap close with autism. Our understanding of ADHD has grown and therefore, more people who otherwise went undetected are getting the treatment they deserve. This is a plus.
www.nbcnews.com/health/menta…— Eric Michael Garcia (@ericmgarcia.bsky.social) March 20, 2025 at 12:58 PM
Think about this:
“I wonder if it speaks to women feeling more empowered to talk about what they are needing and about their struggles in life,” Brinen said.
They may realize that they had ADHD as children but were never diagnosed.
And this:
Brinen has female friends who weren’t diagnosed and treated until they were in their 50s.
“It was the first time in their lives that they felt functional,” he said. “It’s a tragedy that it took so long.”
Untreated ADHD can lead to feelings of failure and depression, Brinen said. “People think of them as not trying, but they are constantly trying and meeting disappointment,” he added.
It’s like having my life told to me.
If this seems unfocused, there’s a reason
This blog post is a mess, of course. Duh.
There’s a reason. LOTS of reasons.
But I wanted to mention this before it vanished in the mist. You’d be amazed how often that happens.
“Say, do you remember that conversation we had in seventh grade? I wanted to make a point and it got away from me. Got a minute?”
This is life on perpetual Hard Mode.
In the eyes of some, I’ve thrived despite it all.* I have more than 70 journalism awards. People have told me throughout my life that they enjoy my writing. That they find it conversational and meaningful. I have a job editing stories for a company The New York Times paid $550 million for three years ago. I mean, I’m not a failure.
So why have I so often been made to feel like one?
If I find the energy, I want to talk about this some more. Falling through the cracks is a fate no one deserves.
For now, I have to sleep and find a whole new medical and trans-care team. I’m no longer covered at the clinic and health system I’ve used since spring 2021. I can’t afford the hundreds of dollars more everything there will cost now that it’s no longer billing to United Healthcare.
Sending love.
Image by Inna Kot via Shutterstock.
♥
Thank you
If you appreciate what you find here and feel generous, you can check out the Tip Jar. Thank you for reading. Here’s a butterfly for you.
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*I should mention I had a LOT of help. I didn’t do it alone, even if it felt like I was fighting an army. I’ll always owe a lot of people so much. Thank you.